Sunday, December 24, 2006
I haven't been blogging much because I didn't know whether I should write what I'm gonna say down... But I'm left with no choice... or rather, it would be more beneficial to me if I did... I just have one thing to say... The following words that I pen down, are not what the Nice me would say... rather, these are what I have been feeling all along... I was just too nice to say it out loud... until now...
This past year has been, what I can describe as... most possibly the worse year of my life... Being weakened, used, played with, ignored and everything... This was the lowest low of my life... Last Christmas was the worst Christmas I had... so much so that I don't really have any hopes for this year's Christmas... in fact, I'd rather just stay home, away from the festivities... Too much pain, too many things to remind me of the last Christmas to help me really enjoy this...
I guess it all started with me being a fool in love... Putting too much into something that I treasured, but probably wasn't treasured as much by the other party... After the first break up in December last year... I was much better than now... moving on step by step... until you called me back... I tot I had a chance to make it right again... I promised myself that I would try to make things work out again... I tot you wanted it too... but somehow, along the way... You had another change of heart... and your solution to the problem became just to 'do my own things' and leave you alone... You would call me if you needed me... Sounds very much like using me doesn't it?
But back then, I was still blinded by the premise of having hope that things would work out again... Foolish me just kept giving in to your requests... even when it seemed evident that something else was brewing, I turned a blind eye... Tried to trust you again... But you never really proved to me that I could trust you again... You said I wasn't strong enough... you said I wasn't comfortable in my own skin... But the harsh truth is... I got my strength from having you around... I felt that with you around, I could have done anything... and I was trying to... But without me knowing, you slowly stopped showing that you supported me... kept telling me so and so was stronger, they've been through so much more... blah blah blah...
What else do you think that would do to me? I went from a person who thought he could do everything, to someone who felt his world crumble, that I wasn't doing anything right... Even before December, the common issues we had... it was always cos I didn't do something the way you wanted me to... Didn't talk the way you wanted me to to others... Didn't comfort you the way you wanted me to... It was always about what YOU wanted... I never really wanted much... I just wanted someone who loved me and would support me, even when I was feeling weak... Everyone has their weak moments... You can't be strong without being weak first... I just needed someone there for me... as I would be for that person...
But I guess to you... weak is weak... Not someone you'd want in your life, you're always attracted to strong people right? After all, didn't you say, we become the kind of people we surround ourselves with? We surround ourselves with strong people and we will become strong? and vice versa? In that one sentence, you quite possibly insulted all the friends I had... everyone I put my trust in and relied on to pull me out of my darkness...
And to you, strong people are those who have encountered hardships in their lives... that quite possibly changed their lives... I do remember once... a few months after we got together... You called me SPOILED... I don't know what sparked that, neither do I remember what we were actually talking about... but I do know that that one word hurt a lot... but I chose to push it aside and forgive you for that... citing reasons that you didn't know me that well yet...
I admit, my life has been somewhat smooth sailing, never had the chance to work part time, or struggle through life... never had a loved one pass away and had to raise a family on my own and all that... But is that the ONLY way people endure hardships? As I mentioned in my previous posts... my own hardships are the amount of effort I put in to show people that I'm no more the bastard I once was... You of all people should know that... You of all people should know how hard it is to change people's perceptions of yourself... And yet, that doesn't count as hardships in your book? So what should I have done? Burnt down my house so I can see how its like being bankrupt? That is utter rubbish... Just because some hardships are more visible than others doesn't mean that they're not hardships and that they haven't made me strong... You may say its a typical response that NS changed me... So what?? You haven't been through it... How would you know whether it is a typical response? You're forgetting that my time in NS helped me become the person you once loved... someone who was totally different from the person in sec school... If NS wasn't the one that gave me strength, then wat has?
MY strength is in the trust I give my friends... and the fact that I will help them when they ask me to... I will do my best to help in any way I can... without asking for anything in return... and I gained that by not caring how others viewed me in the past, and just carried on doing what I felt was right... Helping my friends... Actions do speak louder than words...
I don't know why you don't trust people easily... I feel that its somewhat cos you allowed your modelling work to affect your private life... but of course, even if I tell you that, you hardly listen to me in the first place...
I slowly lost myself... giving in all the time to your every whim... you didn't like how I did this... so I changed... you didn't like how I did that... so I changed again... I did all that just to make you happy... and I did... but at the expense of myself...
I could understand you wanting to see other people, I did get stale... but while we, or rather, I was trying to work things out, I tot you were too... I guess you weren't, or even if you did, you weren't communicating with me about it... I got more confused and even more insecure... especially everytime you would ask me what I would do if you and someone else expressed interest in each other... What else could I say?? What else could anyone say?? I should have taken that as a sign to break it off cleanly and walk away... but I didn't... I stubbornly stuck to something I still believed in... US... even when you didn't believe in that anymore... I guess it had something to do with the fact that you still said you loved me... and I foolishly believed that you really did... Love me the way I did you... and not one of your 'other kinds of love'...
I kept my promises to myself and to you... and gave you a great birthday party... But then, that was the start of the downhill... cos HE can back into your life... I've always had this suspicion that you never really got over him in the first place... whenever we talked about it, your voice would get softer and there was a hint of pain and sadness in it... but again, I brushed it off, saying that that was the past... and since he's still somewhat of a friend... I should treat him as my friend too... I guess this is one instance that my trust was misplaced... because NEVER in my LIFE would I have expected him to do something like that to me... And that is what really pisses me off as well...
That I do unto others, how I would like others to do unto me... I would have never betrayed a friend like that... but he did... you can say that we'd already broken up and all that... but he's still a friend... and my wounds were still very raw... It's just common courtesy to inform me that he was interested in you... and yet, he didn't... and when I found out, no apology about keeping me in the dark about it... and all along I tot he was my friend, telling me to take care and get better and all that... but he goes behind my back to date you... This... from someone who is going to become a youth leader?? PLEASE.... gimme a break... Great example man... That was mistake number one... Mistake number two was breaking his promise to you... If he had kept it, I'd probably have gotten over it by now... but he didn't... he disappointed you again... He's already disappointed me... and now you... and yet he's got the nerve to still stick around and make you love him again, in some sort of twisted sense of forbidden love...
And yet... while you tell him you love him, you tell me you love me too... What's up with that?? Of course I'd be bitter and pissed... which one is it? Him or Me?? You couldn't even decide and had to get both? Then let me tell you something... I've always tried my best to not let anyone down... I've always tried to do the right thing... helping others... And what about him? So what if he's stronger now than how he was before?? This is a wake up call boy!! The youth leaders I know are NOT gutless cowards like you... they have the guts and self-righteousness to face up to their actions... and so far, you have yet to prove that to me... Maybe I should wait 5 years as well... to see if you finally get the guts to do what should have been done... like how long you took to apoplogise to her... But then again, I can't bring myself to trust you anymore... so I'm not holding my breath...
But I guess this is out of my hands... you chose him over me... just because the grass seemed greener on the other side... and its always like that with you... always wanting more... not knowing when is enough... not contented... it just seemed to me that you weren't happy with how I did things, you always wanted it done your way... hardly anything I did was up to your standard... something was always lacking... and if I was your so called 'best' bf ever, then was the best not even enough for you? What else was there? Super best? ultra best??
You kept telling me to grow up... and I'm telling you to grow up yourself... everything has a limit... some can be broken... others once reached, can never be attained again... you know why I seemed like I haven't grown up? Simply because I felt I was losing the best thing I had in my life... You were the one thing I was contented with in my life... Unlike you, I never had a need to look for someone else... there was NO other person, I didn't need to look, simply cause I knew... I knew that I had found someone I could have spent my life with... when you have a belief THAT strong, how'd you feel when the person you loved shatters it into oblivion?
Back then I really felt that if both of us had stuck to it and worked things out, it would have worked out... But it seemed like that wasn't your intention... You just strung me along until you found someone stronger whom you could latch onto and then drop me again... and I let foolishly let you, fed by the false hope you gave me by saying that you loved me... and me thinking it was the same love...
But like I said... you made your choice... He's replaced me... Whatever problems you have, lay them on him... I'm no longer part of your life... and frankly, right now, I don't want to either... too many painful memories... The good overshadowed by the hurt and the betrayal... You may not want to hear that word, betrayal... but thats exactly what it feels like to me... call me a son of a bitch or watever you always call me when I'm in a mood like that... I don't care... I'm tired... Tired of caring... Tired of being confused... Tired of trying to act like I'm ok when I'm not... I can't really bring myself to believe anything either one of you says... My trust in you was shattered in December... and it never recovered, you never tried to prove that I could trust you again... My trust in him shattered in Sept... I doubt that will recover soon as well...
This is most probably the most hurtful thing I can ever say, but I have to get it off my chest... He dated someone behind your back, and you dated someone behind mine... You guys are so alike... One doesn't even have the guts to face me... the other runs away from problems like this... Telling me to do my own thing, in my opinion, that was you trying not to face the problem at all... rather than sit down and sort it out, see what went wrong and maybe something could have been done to save our relationship... if it was that important to you as it was to me...
There are always consequences to every action... and this is ultimately the consequence of the actions both of you took... You can take this as a scolding, me being emo again, or as a 3rd person's view on your own character... You can choose to analyse it, get angry at it, or ignore it... Life's about choices, you've made yours regarding him... and the consequence of that is my choice...
This is something your textbooks won't help, neither will your dance... What will help is you sitting down and sorting out everything you've been avoiding and supressing... You've got your support... He's still around and I don't see him leaving anytime soon... He IS after all, my replacement in your life... It's time I follow my own path...
After all... Tears dried, heart died... I don't think I can ever love anyone else the way I loved you... and frankly, I don't even wanna try right now... You can go ahead having your crushes here and there on all your cute dancer guys or whatever...
I have never done anything to let you down... I've done my best and I don't have any regrets... I'll just walk alone... with my trusted friends for company...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 12:24 AM
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Those 5 days in camp also gave me lots of time to reflect on everything that's happened this year... So many things running through my mind now... Don't think I can sort everything out... Its actually quite surprising that even the guys would be willing to lend a listening ear... and even their support...
Its seriously very refreshing... like a journey back to how things were before... a time when I was happier and much more unaffected by things that don't concern me... I guess my bro was right... I am my worse enemy... In allowing someone else to be so critical of my actions and habits, I began to criticise everything I did... Such a fool eh... Oh well... we all learn from our mistakes...
As I spent my time sorting myself out in camp, I realised that I really have come very far from the old bastard I was last time... It's not easy trying to erase the preconceived notion others have of you just because of how you were in the past, and I'm proud that I've managed to make vast improvements in erasing that view in others... My old friends have seen the change... my new friends like who I am now... and that's all that matters...
It's taken me a lot of strength and determination to not shy away from old friends just because of the perception they had of me... and taken even more strength to just smile and be the new me in front of them... enduring all their old prejudices and proving to them that I HAVE changed... Its not easy... and not many people know how hard it really is... But I dont' care... I'll be the new me... as long as it takes for them to realise that I have changed... even if it takes an entire lifetime to accomplish...
True, this may not be as terrible as losing a loved one and having to survive on your own... but it still requires a lot to not give up and just be a loner... Having said that, would I view myself as weak? Definitely not... In a way, having to redeem myself is my own personal tragedy... I've endured a lot of crap and had to prove myself countless times... All that has done is made me stronger, more determined to not allow a previous prejudice rule over my head... If others don't see it that way, then so be it... I will not allow myself to be put down by the views of others... There is more than one path to the goal... it just depends on whether you want to walk a smooth path, or a rocky path...
Why then should I want to prove myself to others that I've changed? Because friends are important to me... I place my full trust in them, because I want them to trust me fully as well... Once I consider them my friend, they will always be a friend, until that trust between us is broken... A very good friend of mine once said to me... We reap what we sow... I want to sow the seeds of good friendship and trust... and that is what I will reap...
I walk now alone down the path of my choosing... no looking back... no expectations... with just the support of those whom I call my friends... I have truly seen myself grow up, compared to the last time I was in NS... One can see an improvement... and thats all there is to it... No point whining about how bad you are in something... I would rather focus on what I've improved at and how much more I can improve it, as well as what else can be improved upon and work at it...
And like the icing on top of the cake, I received some good feedback today... That although I may look serious all the time, I do know how to have fun, and that when crunch time comes, I will still have the dedication and professionalism to carry on with the task at hand... I guess that is especially the case when others are depending on you as well... Heh... In others words... just doing the right thing...
I've always welcomed such surprising comments, cos it serves as a feedback to me on my own progress down my path... every good comment just brings me further along that path... towards a much more improved me...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 1:50 AM
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Hai~.. I'm so not cut out for blind memorisation... Wat's the point? In the working world, you don't need to memorise all these facts, they're there for you, in books, references and databases... And not giving us examples of how the questions will be like is even worse... True/false questions for CAs, application questions for tutorials... Then why bring up regurgitation essay questions for finals??
I'd much prefer it if they have applications questions with open book... with so many facts to memorise, it was evident everyone was struggling to memorise everything before the paper... does it really help when you go work? Would your employers actually be impressed that you can state the 10 side effects of so-and-so drug? Or would your problem solving skills come in more handy?
As I sat there waiting for time to end, I kept questioning myself... if this is what biomed has to offer... do I really want to keep on doing this?? Guess we'll have to wait and see how I perform for my biology mods... Hai~...
3 down... 2 to go... the brain drain continues...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 2:14 AM
