Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Sometimes I do wish I'd never sent that msg... I guess somehow, my judgement was clouded and I wasn't thinking as straight as I thought I was... Although I usually don't regret the things I do... this actually might become one of those that I would regret... I don't deny we had something really great going on... and it was my choice to send that msg... and although I hesitated to send it for God knows how long, I guess it was a risk I was willing to take... This time round, it's all on me... My choice, and its consequences... I guess this was one that I didn't fully consider although it did briefly cross my mind... I was sure that things couldn't turn out this way... And yet, I'm actually relieved that we were still somehow able to discuss it... It's a big change from the last time I encountered this kind of situation... You once said you're somewhat alike... well... I have to admit, right now, it does feel like that to me sometimes... But things between us are definitely better...
Back then, it was me losing sleep cos I was on the receiving end of the silent treatment... this time, we could actually have an open and honest conversation about it... although I'm not sure if we did actually come to a solution... or if there even was one in the first place... But I really did appreciate your honesty... You know my story... Honesty ranks pretty high on my list... and I sincerely do appreciate you being honest about things...
I'm not the kind of guy with a fragile ego that will break just because the answer wasn't something I wanted to hear... You're honest about it... I respect that... and I will not cross that line again... Its gonna sound damn ironic, but trust me on that...
I know things between us are gonna be awkward for a while... and I totally understand that you probably need time and space... I'm patient enough to wait, so that we can resume our usual status... I will miss hanging out with you, but it would be even harder for me to hang out with you when I can still feel that awkwardness in the air... I honestly feel bad enough already... And I'm not gonna be like Chase with his once a week on Tuesday shit...
You've made it quite clear... I understand... I'm not gonna try anything at all... I just want to get past this weird stage cos I'd be lying if I said it wasn't bothering me... You can tell me not to blame myself... but I still will... it was my choice... You didn't do anything at all.. But this is a burden I'm willing to bear, as long as it may help you get past the weirdness...
After everything I've been through, I guess I've learnt to just move on if things don't work out... But at the same time, what we had is something I treasure very much... and its something I'm not willing to lose at all... Good company matters a lot to me... and you're good company...
I guess this whole thing is somewhat confusing to you... and I've tried my best to explain it to you... The best explanation I can give is that I just got tired of wanting to be 100% certain... and I wanted to take a chance rather than just wait and see all the time...
I'm not like other guys... things don't work out, I'll be fine... I'll just go back to the status quo... but I understand it might not be easy for you... thats why I'm patient enough to give you the time and space that you need... It's better to try to venture a toe across the line and step back when it doesn't work out, rather than cross the line and not be able to draw it again...
I'll be fine... I've been alone 22 years out of my 23.5 years... I'll survive... I'm actually more worried about you... but I also know that I can't do anything right now... except give you time... I'm leaving the offer of the status quo on the table.. when you feel comfortable enough, let me know... I'll still be around... and I'll still be your friend, nothing more...
I'd really like to write more about what else is going through my mind these few days... but that'll have to wait... gotta get to sleep... I hope at least this issue is resolved for me... and that I'll be able to sleep better tonight...
Labels: musings
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 2:19 AM
