Sunday, November 05, 2006
Some friends have said that I sometimes still sound angsty and somewhat bitter... I don't deny it... No one likes being played with, used or just being taken for granted... I've come to realise that although I might not want to consider it like that, it sure does feel that way...
But as I dig down deeper into it... I realise there's actually more to it than just this... I've always valued honesty, and open communication, even with friends... anything that involves me, they can come up to me and just tell me, its much much better than letting me find it out on my own...
And I guess thats where some of the angst comes from, that some people would most rather keep quiet and not say a word, hoping that either I wouldn't notice, or wouldn't care... but when something concerns me, of course I'd care, and I definitely would notice... and thats what makes me angry... that a friend would actually keep things from me... like I couldn't be trusted or like I was a fool...
Call me old fashioned, but when I invite someone over to my house, share my food with them, share my thoughts and ideas, it means that I've welcomed them into my life as a friend that can be trusted... And yet, when it comes down to doing something which might affect me, I wasn't told about it... and what does that feel like? Something like this, "When did this happen? How come I wasn't told? I'm doing this all for nothing??"
What's so hard in coming up to me and telling me? And the excuse that they just don't want to hurt me just won't work, cos once I find out without the parties involved telling me, IT JUST HURTS EVEN MORE. It hurts that I was kept in the dark over the matter, it hurts that they couldn't be bothered to tell me and worse still... it hurts because it feels like I was just pushed off into a corner and ignored while everyone around me knew... And the worse thing is that even when I found out about it... no apologies... No "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this earlier...." and all that... Not a word... Where's the friendship in that??
Using the excuse of not wanting to hurt me, to me, is about the same as saying that you've got NO GUTS to say it to my face, and would rather hide away and hope the issue involving me goes away... After being treated like that, I have every right to feel angsty and bitter... Its like you've got the guts to do this, but no guts to face me and tell me... or even apologize for keeping me in the dark about it... Where's the trust in that??
My brudder knew that... he knows that very well... he gave me his honest opinion about what he feels I should do... and I wasn't angry at him... I wasn't pissed cos he said that... I valued what he said, I trusted him, and I considered his views, knowing that he respected me enough as a friend to be honest with me...
In other words, friends are those whom I can trust to be honest with me when the time comes for it... They are people who are able to respect me enough to be honest with me... The truth may be painful sometimes, but its more painful when heard from someone else... Knowing that I actually trusted someone who treated me like that, just disappoints me tremendously...
I for one, would never treat my friends like that... My bro said that that was my strength, that once I consider someone a friend, I would treat him like one, and help him in any way I can... which is true... but now, as I think about this... I also realise that those people who let me down, I'd rather just leave as an acquaintance rather than a friend... I will still continue to treat everyone as my friends, whether or not they treat me the same way... but once I'm let down by them... then... they'll be treated as just an acquaintance...
I shouldn't have to tell people that they should tell me, or apologise... It's basic common courtesy and common sense...
It actually makes me feel good, knowing what I will tolerate from others and what I will not... This time, no more second chances... I will not trust someone who's let me down, building up that trust will take time again... and only if they choose to build it up...
Saying you could do nothing is not good enough either... everything has a choice... its just that this was a choice to do nothing... Thats the power of choice...
I chose to write this here, to help me unload my thoughts and sort them out... just as how I choose to separate friends from acquaintances... and at the same time, I'm still seeking that balance in my life, between logic and illogic... work and play... good and bad...
Choice, the one thing I am responsible for...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 1:06 AM
Comments:
Weiming
Keep it simple with yourself.
Like i told you over msn, i really feel your are burning your way through this in the wrong way, considering that most of your angst also caused due hurt to others as well - that is not to say i did not understand what you told me from your POV.
I am here. as always, only when you choose whether you want to talk.
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Keep it simple with yourself.
Like i told you over msn, i really feel your are burning your way through this in the wrong way, considering that most of your angst also caused due hurt to others as well - that is not to say i did not understand what you told me from your POV.
I am here. as always, only when you choose whether you want to talk.
# posted by 
: 5:04 PM
: 5:04 PM
