Monday, November 27, 2006
4 more to go... and only God knows how many more cans to red bull that means...
On a lighter note, I've rarely had very deep conversations on msn... guess its kinda refreshing to actually have thought provoking conversations with others on msn... also makes me miss those conversations when the other party isn't online... heh... =)
Back to studies... if my brain isn't too drained...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 5:34 PM
Monday, November 13, 2006
Hardly a word I've ever thought could be used to describe me... In fact, the only other time this word was used on me was in my report books back in pri and sec school...
Something just struck me when I heard myself being described as a responsible person a few days ago... It just made me think about whether I was really a responsible person...
Seriously... maybe only when friends are concerned.. If not, I wouldn't be procrastinating about my studies and blogging about this at 2 freaking am in the morning when I should be resting...
I have never thought of myself as a responsible person... I usually just feel that I do what has to be done... or sometimes, what SHOULD be done... As I think deep into the meaning of responsibility, it just strikes me that there's also the issue of being responsible for what??
As an individual, one is responsible for their own well being, their studies, and their own actions... Then I start to question whether I am actually doing that... taking care of my own well being, my studies and my actions...
Every action has its own consequence, whether good or bad, one that particular action is taken, consequence follows... Sometimes people just jump into things, wanting to do something so badly that they never stop to consider the consequences of their actions... I've seen many examples of that with my friends... all wishing they had 36 hrs a day, even maybe 48... and when the consequence of having too many responsibilities and commitments actually hits them, its too late... They've got to stick with that path and just weather it out...
My usual thought is, if one was expecting some kind of consequence early on before embarking on said action, shouldn't one also consider if the consequence that comes to pass can be taken up by one effortlessly?
Or is it a challenge to oneself, to see how much one can handle, both physically and mentally as well...
Responsibilities to oneself are simple to handle, its responsibilities to others that are harder... cos I don't want to let other people down... I don't deny, looking back, I've probably let down a number of people, but I realise that those incidents were there for me to learn from... to learn about responsibility, and maybe more...
Some responsibilities, we place on ourselves, even long after its not needed... others are placed on us by others... Those placed on us by others, shouldn't be taken lightly, since others are depending on us... But what then of those we place on ourselves? Responsibilities for our friends, our family members.. even a loved one...
I'm don't view myself as being responsible for the well being of my friends, they're old enough to take care of themselves... but rather, responsible for the things I do for them, if any... I want to make sure that when I do things for friends, they're done to the best of my ability... For family members, there is not contention... Family is what sustains you when you're lonely... I'll always be responsible for the well being of my family.. And since I don't really have any other loved one to be responsible for... I can't really say anything about that... I've come to realise that girls need a boyfriend, not a father... Care is one thing, excessive care is another... Even worse is unwanted care...
I don't really think I chose to be a responsible person... maybe that term just found me... like I said, I just do what ought to be done, or rather, should be done, according to my own principles...
I guess all these thoughts are somewhat incoherent... guess what I'm trying ask is... Is there such a thing as being responsible for one's actions, but not the consequences that follow?
Really wrong timing to be thinking of such stuff... but like so many other things in my life... its always come down to wrong timing...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 2:43 AM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Some friends have said that I sometimes still sound angsty and somewhat bitter... I don't deny it... No one likes being played with, used or just being taken for granted... I've come to realise that although I might not want to consider it like that, it sure does feel that way...
But as I dig down deeper into it... I realise there's actually more to it than just this... I've always valued honesty, and open communication, even with friends... anything that involves me, they can come up to me and just tell me, its much much better than letting me find it out on my own...
And I guess thats where some of the angst comes from, that some people would most rather keep quiet and not say a word, hoping that either I wouldn't notice, or wouldn't care... but when something concerns me, of course I'd care, and I definitely would notice... and thats what makes me angry... that a friend would actually keep things from me... like I couldn't be trusted or like I was a fool...
Call me old fashioned, but when I invite someone over to my house, share my food with them, share my thoughts and ideas, it means that I've welcomed them into my life as a friend that can be trusted... And yet, when it comes down to doing something which might affect me, I wasn't told about it... and what does that feel like? Something like this, "When did this happen? How come I wasn't told? I'm doing this all for nothing??"
What's so hard in coming up to me and telling me? And the excuse that they just don't want to hurt me just won't work, cos once I find out without the parties involved telling me, IT JUST HURTS EVEN MORE. It hurts that I was kept in the dark over the matter, it hurts that they couldn't be bothered to tell me and worse still... it hurts because it feels like I was just pushed off into a corner and ignored while everyone around me knew... And the worse thing is that even when I found out about it... no apologies... No "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this earlier...." and all that... Not a word... Where's the friendship in that??
Using the excuse of not wanting to hurt me, to me, is about the same as saying that you've got NO GUTS to say it to my face, and would rather hide away and hope the issue involving me goes away... After being treated like that, I have every right to feel angsty and bitter... Its like you've got the guts to do this, but no guts to face me and tell me... or even apologize for keeping me in the dark about it... Where's the trust in that??
My brudder knew that... he knows that very well... he gave me his honest opinion about what he feels I should do... and I wasn't angry at him... I wasn't pissed cos he said that... I valued what he said, I trusted him, and I considered his views, knowing that he respected me enough as a friend to be honest with me...
In other words, friends are those whom I can trust to be honest with me when the time comes for it... They are people who are able to respect me enough to be honest with me... The truth may be painful sometimes, but its more painful when heard from someone else... Knowing that I actually trusted someone who treated me like that, just disappoints me tremendously...
I for one, would never treat my friends like that... My bro said that that was my strength, that once I consider someone a friend, I would treat him like one, and help him in any way I can... which is true... but now, as I think about this... I also realise that those people who let me down, I'd rather just leave as an acquaintance rather than a friend... I will still continue to treat everyone as my friends, whether or not they treat me the same way... but once I'm let down by them... then... they'll be treated as just an acquaintance...
I shouldn't have to tell people that they should tell me, or apologise... It's basic common courtesy and common sense...
It actually makes me feel good, knowing what I will tolerate from others and what I will not... This time, no more second chances... I will not trust someone who's let me down, building up that trust will take time again... and only if they choose to build it up...
Saying you could do nothing is not good enough either... everything has a choice... its just that this was a choice to do nothing... Thats the power of choice...
I chose to write this here, to help me unload my thoughts and sort them out... just as how I choose to separate friends from acquaintances... and at the same time, I'm still seeking that balance in my life, between logic and illogic... work and play... good and bad...
Choice, the one thing I am responsible for...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 1:06 AM
