Sunday, August 27, 2006
At what point do your worries and fears cross the boundaries into the depths of paranoia??
I'm never one to spill every part of my life out into the open, unless its to people I can trust... but there are so many things swirling through my mind now that I just have to write something... and since its already 5am.. I'd better do it fast...
I'm a person who doesn't really regret what he does... I don't believe in regrets... But right now... some regret is seeping into my mind... and I don't know why... and I HATE it...
I don't regret starting up dance... I don't regret doing anything I've done in my uni years so far... But now... I just don't know... I don't know what I'm regretting... Maybe I just wanna be a bastard again... An uncaring thick skinned bastard who only cares about himself... Someone who won't let his emotions get in the way again... Someone who won't cry anymore... Who won't whine, be insecure... Just be an evil me... And not the nice caring guy people see these days... Being in a relationship does certainly change a person... even after its over...
These days, whenever someone asks how 'we' are... I'd just give my standard answers... 'Like that lor..' or 'Same lah'... If they ask if we're tgt again, I'd just go... 'No.. no time...' or 'Nah.. not good timing now...'
I wish people would stop asking me that... cos I really don't have the right answers... I wish I could have be the bastard and go 'Why don't you ask her instead?' But I won't... I swore to never go down that path again... But maybe... I need to skirt that path sometimes... just so I'll have an edge to myself... I just feel I'm TOO nice... TOO trusting... and TOO naive...
But really... would I have any reason NOT to trust my friends? Aren't friends supposed to trust each other?
I'm really feeling damn insecure right now... it just seems to me that everyone else has much better qualities than me... Of course, I'd just be worrying too much... or I'm too whiny... as usual... The bastard in me just wouldn't give a fuck... but not mister nice guy... NOOOOO... he's got to worry about every little fucking thing... Damn it...
Then of course, there's the other things that make it seem even more impossible... stupid personality tests... I don't believe one word of it... Don't my own emotions count for anything anymore?? Just cos one test says we have only a few things in common, I've got to believe it?
I'm not one to go into anything brashfully... probably explains why I've only had 2 relationships so far... I don't believe in just 'having fun' with others... makes it seem like I'm just getting companionship from them and when I'm bored, I'll get someone else...
Our personalities may be somewhat different... but I truly am trying to understand her point of view... I understand her priorities have changed, she wants to try new things, meet more people and all that... so if I do understand that much, then why do I feel like I'm fading away in her life?
We hardly talk these days... even on msn... she'd just do her own things... I'd do mine... and I seriously don't want to keep asking her what she's doing at that moment... lest I irritate her again... We hardly have time to meet up... either she's busy, or I am... So why then do I still think of whether she's free on a particular day? I really don't want to come across as needy... but it seems to me that I am... Do I really have to stop caring about what she's doing and all that? It seems so heartless... really like a bastard...
And why can't I seem to NOT care? Even when I think of her and want to ask how she is, sometimes... I just can't bring myself to msg her, lest I give her the impression that I'm needy and insecure again... Guess the guestion here is... WHY do I care so much? Why does it feel like a stab in the heart everytime I realise I wasn't there to comfort her, I feel so inadequate when she runs to someone else to pour her heart out... Am I THAT BAD of a consoler, even after all this time??
I agree that I still have somewhat a long way to grow up in life... I have been somewhat sheltered and spoilt... But I do feel that I've made much progress since then... I just don't know what else I can do... I still feel damn inadequate and unworthy... She's done so much in a year... and wtf have I accomplished? I don't know if I can ever be equal... I'm not like her... I don't have the looks, I don't have the charm... what I do have, is just an honest heart... willing to help anyone in need anyway I can... Is the world so corrupted that a person's sincerity of heart isn't worth anything anymore?? If thats the case, I should just seal this heart of mine again... like I did so many years ago... so that it won't break, or bleed, or hurt...
Just because I'm always smiling and joking all the time, doesn't mean that under the surface, everything's fine... It's not... I'm just better at keeping it from others... I don't show much emotions... I don't cry easily... and the fact that she made me cry twice within a month... means that she's someone very very dear to me... I just don't know if she feels the same way anymore... The special place in my healing heart is... I don't know... I just don't know what to think anymore...
If I had to pull the petals off a flower going 'she loves me, she loves me not'... all the flowers in the world wouldn't be able to give me an answer... Only one person can tell me that... but even she can't give that answer at the moment...
I don't really mind not having that answer, I don't want to push... but feeling myself fading away from her life again is really worrying... Maybe I just don't want to let go... maybe I'm a fool... maybe its just my numerous insecurities and paranioa again... but there's one thing thats always constant... something's still making me care for her more than others... I don't know what it is, but as long as its there... I won't stop caring...
I'm not as eloquent as others... I've never been one to write so openly about things, with emotion and such... but what I've written, is a sincere description of what is running through my head at this moment... I may be offending her... I AM somewhat direct most of the time... but the thing is... I'm not being fake... this is my sincere and honest description of the feelings in my heart at this time... I'ts not meant to provoke anything... I just need to get it off my chest, and since this is my blog, thats where it will go...
Now that I've opened my heart out, it goes back in... to be sealed again... protection against any other shocks that might come my way...
you have just Slacked with Chris @ 4:57 AM
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